5th September

I really hope for a positive, connected and peaceful life for Cam. (and everyone else.) I hope he can resolve his anger and hurt and move forward with his life. Despite the fact that he no longer accepts me as a friend… I guess this is something that I to will accept and hope to gain something from? – who knows.. Fear, pain, rejection.. it cultivates such horrible insecurities in the strongest of people, alienates them from themselves and others. Solitude is marvelous at times. However, I hope that he can dig through himself and really look at what he is feeling.. 

I hope that he can grow and learn and experience success that will bring him depth, gratitude and peace. Also that he and who ever else feels like this can disarm the barrage of self negativity and know that everyone is good enough, worthy of this happiness.. 

I guess if we continue to enable ourselves and perceptions, then really being honest with ourselves, an arduous task.. a bit like an extinguished candle or an unread novel. But there is hope of ignition and many different perceptions and worlds fit for exploration and possible capitulation. Ignorance breeds contempt and a little bliss.. Enough to compensate and concede for an Ego will bury us so we never know our truth. The stories that we tell ourselves for protection. eh. Where is autonomy in that? 

I guess it is this… to be able to act in the face of fear. And survive it. 

Buddha said, “A jug fills drop by drop.” Remember this when the going gets tough and be patient with yourself and the process you’re going through.

Buy a ticket and take the ride.

All I have ever wanted is genuine, virtuous friends, love and acceptance. Perhaps being a little bit socially incompetent, or grenade like I am not afforded those pleasures or able to reciprocate. Although, not quite true there are but a few and I am blessed and grateful to and for. An epiphany of friendship, a maintenance that I am often unable to master. 

I would also like to take the time to apologize to all that I have disappointed, not lived up to their expectations. The probability that you find me a mass of contradictions and self perpetuated indulgence is I assume high. I can assure you and provide you with a truth that I haven given the best of myself. You just might see me, walk beside me, but you do not walk in my boots.

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